I thought I knew what it was like to have my heart torn, to wear the pieces on my sleeve when I married my husband. All of a sudden, my heart was no longer my own - it belonged to someone else, and their good was my main concern. Not all the time, mind you - I'm a very selfish person in general, so don't read into that thinking, "Wow, she's such a great Christian..." blah. It wasn't a constant state...it was temporary at times...but that nagging sense of need, of the desire for this person to love me back, and even if he didn't, I would still love him with every part of my being. It was scary. But it was and is beautiful, especially as our love for each other ripens with time.
Little did I know almost 6 years ago that this same nagging, this same intense feeling would literally consume me at times in a totally different way. Little did I know that I could love deeper, that I could pray harder, and that I could be forced to walk straighter. Little did I know that my husband, although still in first place in my heart (besides Jesus, of course), would have to share my love, my concern, my hopes, my fears. Little did I know...and his name is Isaac.
This little boy has totally reshaped my outlook on life, and as he ate "real" food for the first time today, my heart breaks a little more. At almost 6 months old, this precious kid has stolen my heart and all the cheesy love songs (ok, maybe not ALL of them) that used to make me think about my husband have now been translated into Isaac-ness. I miss him when I'm at work. I miss him when I put him to bed at night. I cried the first time he rolled over, knowing that I couldn't do anything to stop him from growing up. This battle of giving up control to the One who should have it in the first place is terrifying, even if that doesn't sound "spiritual". I'm in this place of I know, but I don't know if I want to know...you know? I know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to act, who I'm supposed to surrender to with this parenting thing (and marriage thing, to be honest), but it's SO HARD.
At the same time, though, I almost get a sense of how God feels when he, in all his splendor and glory, looks down on us just wanting us to want him a little bit more. Desiring to spend just a little bit more time with us. Wanting to stop us from doing things that he knows will hurt us in the long run...sigh.
As hard as this time is, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to use it to get to know God's character better.
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give
good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven
give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11