Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Breaking down

I broke down tonight.  I didn't want to - we were already in bed, I was/am super tired, and it's been a long enough day, even after reminiscing about yesterday.  This isn't the first time I've broken down in the last couple years...I'm an emotional basket case pretty regularly, so this isn't an odd occurrence.  This won't be the last time, either.  But tonight...tonight was different somehow.  I'm still weary.  I'm still crying out to God about the same stuff.  I'm still broken.  But I got on my knees, and actually felt a little bit of surrender take place in my heart and in my spirit.  I can physically feel a little bit of peace.  I didn't even really pray that long or use any eloquent words.  I mainly said Jesus' name over and over, somehow knowing that although I know He hears me whenever I pray, He was expectant tonight...waiting and ready to hear me and do something about it.  God has felt so distant lately...that's how the break down started out.  Paul and I were talking about the place we're in - emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I just got to the point where I kept asking..."How did we get here?"

I didn't have the answer.  Neither did he.  So for once, I actually went to the One who does have the answers.  Not in an uber-spiritual way, either.  I'm usually too angry - I deal with anger a lot - but the brokenness outweighed the angry tonight.  The raw shards of my emotions were laid bare next to crumpled up wads of tissue and tear stains, twitching mercilessly to be taken up and put away again.  But I didn't take them up.  I didn't put them away, at least for a minute.  And I came to the computer to write about it before the experience melted away amidst the seemingly short amount of sleep I'll get tonight.

I've not processed it all yet, but I don't think I need to.  In response to all of this, I grabbed a poem I wrote in 2010 (not sure when...I didn't date it).  It doesn't have a name, but doesn't need to...

I who speak to you am He.
And I am speaking
and will speak
and have spoken.
I am
the future
the past
the present
and the Gift.
I see the depths
and the shallows.
I see the spirit
and the marrow. 
The physical,
the unseen.
All of the things that make you,
were created by Me.
I am the vine
and you are My fruit.
You need the faith
and you need to choose.
Do you trust?
Can you see?
You may know it all,
but then you don't know Me.
The tears, the peace
the anger, the relief -
I see it all.
But be warned and believe -
the humble will win and the proud will fall.
Be hungry for Me,
not the counterfeits.
Because I am, My love...
I am it.

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