After I posted yesterday, I got some more great feedback (thanks to you...you know who you are), and even got a page view from Germany! Holla! But then I started doing more research on eating gluten-free, grain-free, etc. I found some great recipe blogs to which I am now subscribed. I read some insightful articles and blog posts. I've listened to some telling testimonies and sage advice. I've become a 'fan' of organic, localized food places on FB. (Yes, all in like, a week.) And I'm just going to be real, y'all - I am officially overwhelmed. It came to the point yesterday where I had a stress attack (that's what I'm calling them, now that I've processed what exactly happens and why). These attacks have been happening over the last couple years, and I think I misdiagnosed them as panic attacks - it's similar to panic, but not exactly. Who knows...maybe I'm wrong all the way around. However, I actually took the time last night as I was laying in bed to go through the whole attack (the attack itself lasted for almost 2 hours). I figured out that my being overwhelmed mentally (which was caused by doing all the research), plus being physically tired (thanks to a certain 10-month old who woke us up at 3:45 yesterday morning) equaled me being "on edge", as my husband described it. Then when things didn't go as planned yesterday evening, it pushed me over the edge - I couldn't make any decisions, I was pacing one moment then laid out on the couch, completed defeated the next. Then, everything got on my nerves - my son's constant talking/screaming (more screaming than anything else...I swear, if he's not involved in a loud activity of some sort when he gets older, this whole stage is for naught), my husband's coughing/drainage issues (to put it kindly), traffic, the line at Publix, being around a ton of loud children, feeling guilty for eating bread, and so on.
I react to this junk in a couple ways - I mentally numb myself so I'm not fully engaged with where I am or who I'm with. I get mad at the people closest to me. I think I even started twitching a little in the car. My head pounded, my heart rate was (slightly) elevated, and I want to run away (I guess I'm more prone to flight rather than fight in these cases). I blame other things for the way I'm feeling ("I HATE ALABAMA.") I start making decisions based on the way I'm feeling rather than truth ("This is why we're only having one kid...gah.")
(Do you think I'm crazy yet?)
A lot of these responses are learned, and are more for self-preservation than anything else. And I struggle with them because not only do they make the original stuff worse, I know they cause me to run from the One who can and should be handling all of it. At the same time, though, the whole situation gave me pause because I actually saw through the fog for a moment. I saw into the Matrix of my own brain. It was not fun, but pushing just that much forced me to crack open that door, to allow the Holy Spirit to shine just a little bit of light into that dark, dank room. It wasn't pretty, and I shut the door more quickly than I should have, but it's a step. I keep pointing out these moments, these steps because now more than ever, I need to see that I'm moving in the seemingly right direction. And I'm doing it, y'all. I'm doing it. And as far as the g-free lifestyle goes, we're taking it one day, one phase at a time. I broke things down into a few action steps, and that helped my brain to chill out. I'll keep you posted.